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I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears. My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder. (Kim Moser)
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." (Bob Levi)
A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads, "If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers."
A couple was going over the expenses for their upcoming wedding. The groom-to-be says, "$6,800 for a dress that's only going to be worn ONCE? What's up with THAT?!" "Who says it's only going to be worn once?" asked his fiancée. "Oh? You're planning to get married again? Gee, thanks." "That's not what I meant." she said. A bit angrily, he responded with "You know you can't wear white the second time, anyway!" Containing herself, she replied, "No, but I do plan to have a daughter. She'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom." "Ha!" he said. "I'll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress." "Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!" she said smugly. "Yeah?" said he. "Then why don't you wear hers?" She replied, "Who wants to get married in THAT old thing?"
The bridegroom got to the church when he was supposed to. He was at the rite place at the rite time. (Mike Bull)
A Chinese family go for a meal at a local Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise.' The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
My boss would gladly pay me what I'm worth, but he says it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size." A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? (Steven Wright)
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